The Books I Will Never Read

I have one rule when it comes to reading, and it's not too hard: don't force it. If you don't feel like reading, don't force it. If you're not interested in reading a particular type of book, don't force it. I think reading should be fun, or at least, natural.

When I read Anna Karenina, it took me over a month to finish. Sections were hard to get through and at times it was so dense I was missing major plot points. But, I thought it was a good book. Ridiculously long, confusing and at times frustrating, but ultimately good. There were fun parts and I occasionally think that it influences me in a profound way (like my opinion of black dresses).

When I made my list of books I will never read, I knew that I would be forcing those books. Not in a 'I'll feel better after I workout' kind of way, but in a 'Maybe sleeping on a bed of nails' way. I just can't see a world where me reading them ends in me being satisfied. 

I hate saying 'never', because nothing is predictable in the world of reading. So, if it would make you feel better, 1. thank you for your deep, emotional interest in my reading habits and 2. you can replace 'never' with, 'I don't think I will ever'.

The list is as follows:

• Lord of the Rings
• The English Patient
• Grapes of Wrath
• War and Peace
• Twilight
• Fifty Shades of Grey

Lord of the Rings
This is one of those books that everyone likes, so you might be asking, why not? Well, I tried. I really did. I was a young elementary schooler with little interest in fantasy fiction. I tried. You know when you go to a party and everyone's already drunk and sleepy? And you're trying to get into it, but you can tell you should go home? This is my 10 year party that I can't have fun at. Can we just all agree that the Hobbit is better?

The English Patient
Seinfeld. That's all. I'm not making some silly reference. My husband can attest to the fact that I hardly ever watch Seinfeld now and that I never did as a kid. But there was this onnnneee episode about The English Patient. I didn't get it- but it seemed like they really hated the book/movie. Ever since, I've given up on it.

Grapes of Wrath
This would have been another book I attempted as a child, way before my reading level was appropriate. Where are the grapes? Who is this truck driver? Why is he talking to strangers? Isn't that dangerous? The concept was far gone from the start. Instead of taking the high road and conquering my childhood failures, I'd rather just say this book is stupid and we're never, ever getting back together.

War and Peace
I get angry, because there are people out there that read this as if it's some kind of righteous task. Have you ever heard someone talk about it WITHOUT a monocle? Get over yourselves. Unless you actually liked it, in which case, I'm sorry (I'm not sorry).

Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey
Not only because it's supposedly hot garbage, it's also that I'm afraid I will actually like it. I'm steering clear of that guilty pleasure.

Look, we've all got our reasons. I'm not saying mine make sense. In fact, I believe they are utterly senseless. Move on, share on, but most importantly, read on.